i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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