i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize