Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
