So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We're too hungover to prance.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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