I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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