How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
