I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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