Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I stole a fireplace last night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize