I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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