Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
