He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
