Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
