Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
