I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
