Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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