she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
