Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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