It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
