Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
