Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He kissed a someone with a penis
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My vagina is officially offended.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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