Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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