So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
as a side note pls kill me
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