god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
