at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize