How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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