I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i love accidental penises.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
