Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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