Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
This is my gift to your gina
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
