Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
