so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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