You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
