Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
