Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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