Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
