How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
