I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
