im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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