4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
