i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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