There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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