at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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