dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
