so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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