cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
