I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Lo siento on account of my penis...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
