Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Shitshow foam night was such a success
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
