Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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