you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
