i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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