so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I should be sponsored by Trojan
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
