Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
