She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
