when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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