I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
