I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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