well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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