her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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